No Santa
by ILoveUchuu-jins
Summary: I should have known better. Santa was fake. Because if Santa was real, he would have given me the only thing I had wished for for 7 years. To have someone love me...


**Okay, so I know that it isn't Christmas Eve yet in the western countries, but it's the 24th of December in Indonesia! The morning, anyway.**

**I was planning to post this up later at night (it'll be around 10 a.m. in the 24th of December in Sacramento (or the whole California, I don't know), and around 1 p.m. in Roanoke), but I really do not think that I'll have time later. My cousin just arrived here and my assumptions were correct. She's as hyper as EVER!**

**So here you go! My early Christmas present for you! An angst story, how cool?**

* * *

><p>I stared out the window. Snow covered the whole area. It was a silent night with only the perfect moon and some houses – including mine – giving out light. From a distance, I heard people singing with angelic voices.<p>

'They're starting,' I thought.

I was inside my huge, unlighted room, sitting in the corner, looking out at the window while others were starting the celebration. I wanted to go out and join other kids open presents under the fancy Christmas tree. I wanted to go out of my lonely room and sing with other kids.

But, of course, I couldn't.

I wasn't allowed to go out of my room when there were guests in the house. The reason? They said that I wasn't part of them family.

But of course I was, right? Why would I be living in the house if I wasn't part of the family?

But that was what they said. That I wasn't part of the Usui family.

Legally, anyway.

"Hey, come on! It's starting!" I heard a loud child shouting outside my door, followed by frantic footsteps.

I stood up and slowly inched towards the door. I placed an ear on it. Hearing the last batch of footsteps disappear, I slowly opened the door. I peeked out to the hallway with one eye. No one was there. A slight feeling of happiness washed through me.

I opened the door bigger and stepped outside. The hallway was dark except for the small, colorful lights on the walls. It was long with pictures of each Usui descendants hung on both of the walls. There were only 2 doors, which were located right across each other, in the hallway: Usui Joji-sama's – my cruel uncle – and mine. I would be dead if my uncle ever catches me sneaking out of my room like this.

In a distance to my right was a T-junction. One side would lead a person to a double-door – the ballroom – while the other one would lead a person to another much-more-complicated hallway.

In a distance to my left was a door – not a fancy double door – to the servants' quarters. Faint light was seeping out of the gap under the door. They were, apparently, having their own Christmas celebration.

I tip-toed, as silent as I could, towards the ballroom. Silently hoping that no one would be in the hallway and bust me out.

While on my way there, I looked at all the pictures hung on the wall. None of them – except for Joji's – were familiar to me. I was getting bored until I saw a picture that made me stop walking.

It was a picture of a woman in her twenties. She had long, curly blond hair and bright colored eyes. Her face was flawless with a soothing smile on. She was wearing a dress that looked like it belonged to the queen. It was frilly and exposed her collar bones and most of her upper chest.

"Mom…" I muttered unknowingly.

Don't ask me how I knew it. My mouth moved by its own will.

I continued to stare at the picture, taking in how beautiful she was. She was the daughter of a distinguished family who went to trips even after she got married. I never understood the whole thing. My uncle told me that I was the child of mom and the man she had an illegal affair with when she was in Japan. I never believed it. She wouldn't have done an affair with anyone. But why was everyone talking so bad about her?

I tore my gaze at the picture and proceeded with my walk to the ballroom. As I arrived to the T-junction, I took a turn to my right and continued walking. No sooner after that, I was facing a closed, fancy double door with golden handles. Light was escaping through the small gap under the door. Sometimes a group of children would run near the door inside and block the light just for a quarter of a second. I heard a faint sound of people singing and children laughing.

With shaking hands, I reached out to the golden handles and turned it slowly. I pushed it little by little and took a glimpse of what was happening inside.

There was a gigantic Christmas tree in the middle of the room decorated with bright, colorful lights and mistletoes. A huge golden star sat on top of the tree, watching as the children run around with wooden airplanes and stuffed teddy bears in hand. The adults in semi-formal attires were chatting with a glass of red wine in hand while the choir in white, silk dresses sang a song in the most angelic sound I ever heard.

I found myself slowly entering the room. All the chatting stopped. The choir stopped singing as the crowd stopped talking. The running children stopped running. Everyone stared at me.

There was silence for a while.

However, my uncle broke it with a shout of anger, "Takumi! How dare you enter the ballroom without my permission?"

I stopped staring at the decorations and looked at him. He was beside the Christmas tree, wearing a blue tuxedo set with his grey shaded hair pinned up.

"S-sorry, Joji-sama!" I stammered while looking nervously down at my sandals. I wasn't given any fancy shoes, in fear that people might think that I was part of the family. That was what Joji told me. I had always been told to other relatives as the servant's child, brought into this home because my parents were working here.

"Excuse that lad. Please do carry on," he said to the crowd. He stormed towards me, grabbed my wrist forcefully and dragged me out of the room as the choir started singing, the adults started chatting and the children started running again.

He pulled me to the front of my room and shouted, "You disrespecting lad!" He slapped me across the face. "No wonder no one wanted to raise you. What you did just now," he said through gritted teeth, "is just plainly disrespectful! You humiliated me in front of all my clients!" He slapped me again. "Go to your room this instant and don't go out until dawn!" And he pushed me inside my room vigorously, causing me to fall face-first onto the carpeted ground of my room.

I heard a 'click' coming from the door.

He had locked me in. On Christmas Eve, when I was supposed to play around with other 7 year olds.

I sat up and leaned on the wall, tears trickling down my cheeks. The pain on my cheek was stinging. But the emotional pain I felt was piercing my heart.

So it was true. I was an illegal child. No one wanted me. No one loved me.

No one was there to hug me when I was crying. No one was there to give me gifts for Christmas. No one was there to play with me. No one was there for me to lean on when I was crumbling.

I had no one. I had nothing.

It really wasn't fair. They said that Santa would give us anything we want if we behave.

Well, I behaved for 7 years now, and what did I get?

Nothing.

I should've known better. There was no Santa. There was no kind guy with a long white beard who will give behaving kids their wishes. Santa was just what adults tell us kids to make us behave. Because if there was a Santa, then he would give me what I ever wanted since I was born:

To have someone love me.

I lost my mom the day I was born to this world. I lost every connection to my dad. I had no loving grandparents. I had no affectionate friends.

I had no one.

The tears were dripping on the floor. My eyes were swelling. Why didn't anyone warn me that my life would be this painful? Why didn't anyone tell me that Santa didn't exist, so that I wouldn't get my hopes up every Christmas? Why?

"Takumi," I heard a voice. A voice of an angel.

I stopped crying for a second and looked around the room. No one was there. But I could've sworn I heard…

"Takumi, it's me," the voice said again.

I looked around the room again. My heart pounding hard on my chest.

"M-mom?" I asked softly, fearing that someone could hear me from outside. "Mom, is that you?"

"Yes, Takumi," she said.

I wiped all my tears using my sleeves and stood up. A mix of shock, joy and happiness washed through me. I was speaking to my mom. For the first time in my life, I was actually speaking to her! And not in my dreams either. "Where are you, mom?"

"You can't see me, Takumi. But you must know that _I_ love you, Takumi. I do and always will, no matter you can see me or not, I will always be there for you. I will always be beside you no matter you believe it or not. I will always live in your heart and help you face you problems," she said with her soft, soothing voice.

"Mom, where are you? Why aren't you here?" I asked loudly, not even caring if someone heard me.

"Good bye, Takumi. I love you," her voice trailed off.

"Mom!" I shouted.

But this time, no one answered.

Like before, I was alone again.

But unlike before, I wasn't sad anymore. I wasn't bawling my eyes out anymore.

For once in my life, I was happy. I just spoke with my mom and learned that someone loved me. Someone was there looking after me, even though I couldn't see her.

Someone was there when I was sad all along.

_She_ loved me. _She_ was up there looking after me. _She_ was there when I was sad._ She_ cared for me when others were crushing me with their words. _She_ was there when I was down.

I had someone who loves me. I had someone who cares about me. I had someone who will be there when I'm in trouble. I had someone who will comfort me when I'm feeling horrible.

My mom was there all along, watching from the heavens above, shining like the star in the dark sky, hovering above me, protecting me.

I had a person who loves me all this time.

She was there all along.

I made my way towards my bed, stopping when I saw something shiny on it. I grabbed it and saw, in the faint light of the moon, a picture of my mom weakly holding a baby. A baby with blond hair and emerald green eyes...

Me!

The picture was taken just moments before she passed away. She was smiling. She was happy that I was born into the world. She loved me.

And she still did, even though her death was completely my fault. She loved me that much.

Tears started piling on the corner of my eyes again. But this time, the tears were tears of happiness. I clenched the picture tightly onto my chest as a tear came rolling down my cheeks.

"Merry Christmas!" I heard people shout outside.

For the first time in my life, I smiled without being forced.

"Merry Christmas, Takumi," I heard her voice again.

"Merry Christmas, mom," I said while another tear escaped my eye. "I love you, too."

* * *

><p><strong>So! What do you think? Did it make you cry?<strong>

**Please review! For my Christmas present, maybe?**


End file.
